if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
