At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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