Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
