mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
