I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
