that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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