Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
