Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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