I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
