over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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