I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize