If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
