I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
