I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My bed smells like the plague
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
