I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
