im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize