Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
