Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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