Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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