Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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