I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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