"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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