I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My feet surprised me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
