Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
