I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
then he tried to convert me to islam
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
