you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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