my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
