I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we made out on top of his cat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
