I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
