i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Mom said you looked used
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
