I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
