I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
