i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
