i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
