she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
