Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
