You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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