Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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