I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
