Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
