I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
