My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
