Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
