I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
