ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize