I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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