he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
