then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
