the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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