I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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