I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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