how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
