I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have fence marks all over my body
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
