i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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