you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
