She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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