My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
