fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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