at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
