Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
