awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sorry about my life...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize