I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
