I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I will pee on everything he values.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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