My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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